“I need to hear this; this is good stuff. Debby, this needs to be your next blog post. No, I’m serious; I need to hear this.”
I listened over the phone to a young, energetic, hardworking, doing-it-right mom. Her love for Jesus, selfless devotion to her family, and involvement in the lives of others set this woman apart. Yet, this morning, her story revealed a deep sadness. The pain she and I discussed involved a child, a disappointment, a broken heart, a shattered dream, and an uncertain outcome. I could relate.
Embracing the pain in her mother’s heart, I offered, “____," (and I called her by name) “one of my greatest regrets as a parent is that I did not teach my children how to navigate suffering.”
“One of my greatest regrets as a parent is that I did not teach my children how to navigate suffering.”
Here is what I did wrong:
• I tried too hard to protect them from suffering. Yet, life does not give us the luxury of avoidance. Injury, illness, insult, and pain are inevitable ingredients of human existence.
• I attempted to rewrite the script. Hello! You can’t rewrite the script. Disappointment, hurt, and heartache punctuate life. Right? Editing and re-editing these realities will not make them go away.
Here is what I would do differently:
• I would reevaluate my ineffective efforts to erase their pain. A mother can comfort, a mother can come alongside; a mother cannot eradicate pain.
• I would release the futile attempt to rewrite the script that edits out pain since this promotes an unrealistic view of life.
• I would pray for wisdom, and strive to find that blessed sweet place where reality and comfort—walking hand in hand—gently lead to God and, by His Spirit, growth.
And here is the key:
• I would spend more time teaching my children equipping skills of walking with suffering, not seeking to eliminate suffering.
Skills training would look like this:
Acknowledge their pain; it is real
Acknowledge what is true, both for them and for you
Smother them with authentic, heartfelt comfort
Guide them through the situation with an invaluable, supernatural set of lenses. Help them navigate the situation at hand while preparing them for life’s obstacle course ahead. Such life skills will provide bedrock stability when the waves of suffering threaten to destroy.
Upon reflection, a principle emerges: Fear of suffering prevents us from being prepared for suffering.
“Fear of suffering prevents us from being prepared for suffering. ”
Another young mom in my life takes us to the heart of suffering. Listen and learn from Jody. I have known her since she was a little girl. Now she is mom to a suffering young man, and her heart and words reveal wisdom beyond her years. With Jody's permission, I share her letter to her son, whose name has been changed.
“We can’t take this from you. We can’t create an alternate, less-painful route for you. We can’t answer why.”
Dear Landon,
It’s another big day for you. Another big month.
No sugar coating necessary; we all know there is nothing fun about this.
We know you are scared. In an instant, your Dad and I would take your place.
To our great heartbreak, we cannot take this from you.
To our great frustration, way too often the only answer we can give is “I don’t know.”
We can’t take this from you. We can’t create an alternate, less-painful route for you. We can’t answer why.
But here’s what we can do. We can promise you this:
You will not be alone.
We will climb this mountain, we will fight this battle, we will hold your hand for as long as this takes. For the duration of our lives, if you need us that long.
We are so, so proud of you. You are stronger than you know.
Let’s make this count, shall we?
Every ounce of our love, Mom and Dad
Thank you, Jody; thank you for guiding us down a better path.
Living With Eternal Intentionality®
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3).
What about you? How have you as a parent prepared your children for the inevitability of suffering?
Describe how walking alongside someone else in and through their suffering has developed your own faith in the God of all Comfort.
