This Mom’s Mistake

Every time I think back to that autumn afternoon I feel a surge of pain. If there were a way to remove it and start again, I would do it. 

It was late in the day, and the children had just bounded into the tiny foyer of our German row house. The bus dropped them off at the outermost edge of our housing complex, and they enthusiastically, energetically tumbled into the door. The school day was over, and they were glad to be home. They would have their after-school snack and hurry off to play.

The tight space of our entryway barely held one adult, much less three exuberant children. But they squeezed in. And the green tile floor, the sheer curtains, and the mahogany shrunk became the stage props for the drama about to unfold.

Though the table was set with milk and cookies, I was not there to greet them when they turned the knob. Leaving my unfinished pile of ironing, I sighed and plodded up from the basement. And instantly my eyes met the unwelcome sight of everyone’s coats, shoes, and backpacks tossed recklessly in a heap on the tiny amount of floor space, thus blocking any hope of a pathway to the front door. 

“Though this occurred nearly thirty years ago, I can still feel the tension. ”

My mind experienced a deluge of questions. “How could this be? They all knew this was wrong. What if we had a fire? We could never make it out. All three of them are old enough to know better. We have rehearsed this countless times. They are just ignoring me. Something must change.” Though this occurred nearly thirty years ago, I can still feel the tension. Adrenalin and aggravation formulated a plan that to this day I regret. 

So—and here is the moment that I would take back—I proceeded to exercise my parental authority and with ceremonial emphasis tossed each coat and each backpack out the front door and onto our small porch. There. Backpacks and coats and shoes are to be placed in the closet and not on the floor, right? This is sure to solve the problem. Good.

Then this little girl turned the corner and with a look of horror said, “But Mommy. My. Clay. Art. Project. Was. In. My. Backpack.  We got to bring them home today. I couldn’t wait to show it to you.” In her plaid dress with hair pulled back with barrettes, she opened the front door and retrieved her bulky German backpack from the mass heap. Heaven and earth stood still as she slowly pulled out the two halves of what once was a child’s work of art.

“She made a mistake, and I made a mountain out of a molehill. ”

“Oh dear Jesus, what have I done? She made a mistake, and I made a mountain out of a molehill. Oh the pain I have caused for wanting to teach a lesson. Her precious art project is the victim.”

Kneeling down and wrapping her into my arms I said, “Sweetheart, I am so, so sorry. Will you please forgive me? Please, please forgive me. I was way too quick and I was wrong. I love you so much.” Her pure, gracious response of, “I forgive you, Mommy,” moved us forward into the kitchen where we worked arduously to glue the object back together. 

As long as we lived in that house, the item held a place of honor on the shelf in her room. She was so very proud of it, and never mentioned the incident again. That spoke volumes to me.

From time to time, alone in her room, I would look long and hard at the childish artifact, and again feel so childish myself. The crack, imperceptible to any but me, reminded me of my humanness and and her graciousness.

“What can’t be taken back can be taken over by The Holy Spirit of God. ”

As we approach Mother’s Day, it is helpful to remember: Mothers don’t always get it right. When we are wrong, we must admit it. When we offend, we must ask for forgiveness. Relationships with our children can thrive in an environment of love, grace, and forgiveness, even when we wish we could rewrite the script. What can’t be taken back can be taken over by The Holy Spirit of God. He alone is able to redeem our mistakes and help us move forward. “Forget what lies behind and look forward to what lies ahead” (Philippians 3:13).

Living With Eternal Intentionality®

“He has set eternity in the human heart” (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

What incident in your own life do you recall that can't be taken back, and needs to be taken over by the Holy Spirit?

Part 2: Words That Knocked Me Off My Feet

Guest Post by Betty Hower, Part 2

After a season of healing from losing our baby in the adoption, my husband and I still longed to be parents. Unlike Dale, I am risk-averse, and my fear gripped me. Could it fail again? Absolutely.

Eventually, we agreed to take a tentative step forward and signed up to attend a seminar held by a local Christian adoption ministry with which we were familiar. He and I made the mistake of thinking this would be positive and hopeful. It was not, not because of the presentation, but because of our lunch around a table with other prospective parents. When the conversation became a verbal competition, I shut down. Questions like, “Who was the most deserving?” and “Who had waited longer?” filled the air. My husband and I quickly exited with a keen sense of awareness that this was not our path.

Our first baby had come to us through our friend in her practice as an ob-gyn. She, too, was devastated when our previous adoption failed, and she had not forgotten about us. A few weeks after the lunch debacle, this same doctor called Dale to tell him that a baby was going to be born the following month and would be placed for adoption. Were we interested?

My initial response was one of avoidance, but slowly I warmed to the prospect. Upon hearing the birth mother’s story, we realized the profile had more hopeful aspects, and we agreed to move forward.

“Think about it — what 20-something would choose a 42-year-old to mother her baby? ”

Now, bear in mind that we were not young. The fact that a birth mother would even consider us could only be God’s Hand. Think about it — what 20-something would choose a 42-year-old to mother her baby? But this dear woman did.

Finally, on that much-awaited day, our son was placed into our arms! The allotted legal time passed and no one changed their minds! At long last, we were parents happily rearing an only child, or so we thought.

“The adoption arena is very difficult, and I am not even considering stepping into it again. ”

Two and a half years passed, and a friend joined me for a summer lunch in our home. She ventured to ask a question nobody else had dared: "Are you considering adopting again?”

This sweet, innocent query garnered my immediate response. “The adoption arena is very difficult, and I am not even considering stepping into it again. I’m thrilled to have Connor. Plus, consider my age!” Acknowledging my objection, she encouraged me to at least make the possibility a matter of PRAYER.

Oh, my word! Was this from the Lord? Even so, I literally refused to pray. Yet during the summer, as I journaled through Isaiah, verses lit up about children, mothers, births, and the like, and I started paying attention. “Lord, could You be serious about my friend’s challenge to consider another adoption? Please no. It’s too hard a realm to step into, and I don’t want to go there. Plus, now I am almost forty-five! Do women even bear children at my age?”

But then on a September day, Dale called me from his office and said, “I have our doctor (the ob-gyn doctor) on a 3-way call. She has a question: ‘Would you like another baby?’”

Immediately I burst into tears because of God’s GRACE and His preparation through His Word for this very moment! I can tell you now with tears in my eyes that I STILL feel it. So unworthy! BUT GOD. So, a little over a month later, we welcomed our son, Hudson, who is God’s “flourish” to our family and to our chronicle of faith.

Sharing this part of my life journey touches on my most precious memory of God’s faithfulness. And in so doing, it is my deepest longing that any woman who reads this account will be encouraged to walk by faith and engage the Lord in whatever challenge she is facing.

Living With Eternal Intentionality®

Intimacy with Jesus Authenticity with others A passion for your calling A purpose for your influence

In the midst of a wounding disappointment, how have you found it possible to trust God?

What passage of Scripture has helped you navigate tumultuous, faith-challenging waters?

Looking back, where do you see The Hand of God making a way when you thought no way forward would ever be possible?

Meet my dear friend, Betty. Betty Hower loved her calling to vocational ministry with Cru and First Presbyterian Church in Jackson, MS. In the decades since, she has ministered through her church's women's ministry and independent city-wide Bible studies, while also encouraging social workers through Congregations for Kids, an organization where faith and government work together to come alongside staff and children in the foster system. She enjoys tennis and Pilates. Betty is married with two adult sons and daughters-in-love and resides in Charlotte, NC.

Words That Knocked Me Off My Feet

Guest post by Betty Hower

My husband Dale burst through the door of our home and proclaimed, “The birth mother wants the baby back!”

I was standing at the kitchen sink facing the door, so I saw his face immediately, and the impact of those words knocked me off my feet, literally. Tenderly, he picked me up from the floor and laid me on the bed. Two hours later, our Harrison Luke was gone . . . along with all that went into being his parents. He had a name. He was in our hearts. Placing him in that car seat was like laying him into a casket.

The Ministry of Presence

“Don’t underestimate the value of being with — the ministry of presence.”

Dale immediately called four friends, who dropped what they were doing and came to sit with me. Though relatively new in our city, we had begun to make friendships through our church. (To this day those friends are dear treasures to me.) He also phoned my long-time friend since we were sixteen-year-olds, who sent beautiful flowers to show her love. These gestures of kindness from my community taught me a life lesson: Don’t underestimate the value of being with — the ministry of presence.

In these painful, tumultuous waters of loss, I could not find my sea legs. Heartbroken and grief-stricken, I repeatedly asked the unanswerable, devastating questions.

But three days later, the One from Whom I really needed to hear spoke.

His Way is Perfect

“And the peace that accompanied God’s work in my soul was beyond understanding.”

Opening my Bible to Psalm 18:30 I read, “As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is tried; He is a SHIELD to all who take refuge in Him.”

Suddenly, at that moment, I knew in my heart, mind, and spirit that God was speaking directly to me. And His word, being living and active, hit its mark. Without knowing why and without specifics, I became keenly aware that God was shielding us from adopting the wrong child.

It was a most dramatic event because, even though I did not just get over the loss, I now could cry tears of thanksgiving for a specific word from the Lord and for His faithful shield. Supernaturally, the joy of that encounter began to exceed the pain of our loss. And the peace that accompanied God’s work in my soul was beyond understanding.

The story doesn’t end here. Over time, God granted me assurance of His intervention in our plans, and He continued His work of building our family and building my faith. And through the journey, I learned, as Debby referenced in another blog, For This I Have Jesus.

Living With Eternal Intentionality®

“He has set eternity in their hearts” (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

When have you received devastating news that hit you at the core of your being?

How did God enable you to move forward?

What are your reflections on the topic Betty described as “The ministry of presence”?

Meet my beloved friend, Betty. Betty Hower loved her calling to vocational ministry with Cru and First Presbyterian Church in Jackson, MS. In the decades since, she has ministered through her church's women's ministry and independent city-wide Bible studies, while also encouraging social workers through Congregations for Kids, an organization where faith and government work together to come alongside staff and children in the foster system. She enjoys tennis and Pilates. Betty is married with two adult sons and daughters-in-love and resides in Charlotte, NC.